Going Through a Divorce? Here Are 5 Things That Really Matter.
Updated: 6 days ago
Especially when children are involved and emotions are running high.
If you're going through a difficult separation or divorce, you probably know what it's like to wake up with a knot in your stomach, wondering what the day is going to throw at you.
An upsetting message. Another argument about the children. A letter from a lawyer. Financial pressure. Something you've heard through a friend. And just when you think things are settling down, something else happens.
It can consume your entire life if you let it.
I've lived through a very difficult divorce involving five children. I know something about the anger, fear, frustration, heartbreak and sheer exhaustion that can come with it. I've also learned some things along the way that I wish I'd understood much earlier.
These are five of them. And they apply whichever side of the divorce you find yourself on.
1. Stop trying to prove you're right.
Here's something worth understanding early on. No matter how convinced you are that your former partner is responsible for everything that went wrong, there's a good chance they believe exactly the same thing about you.
And they're probably just as convinced.
You can spend years trying to prove your version of events. You'll find plenty of people who agree with you. Your former partner will find plenty who agree with them.
Be particularly careful of surrounding yourself with people who only tell you what you want to hear. Find people who care enough about you to tell you the truth, even when it hurts.
And watch the stories your own mind keeps repeating. What actually happened and what you've decided it means are not always the same thing.
Deal with the facts. Deal with what is happening today.
You don't have to win the argument about the past to find peace in the present.
2. Take the high road. Every single time.
I cannot emphasise this enough.
Don't try to get even. Don't retaliate. Don't send that vicious message, make that cutting remark or do something petty because you believe the other person deserves it.
You may be completely justified in feeling angry. That doesn't mean acting on your anger will serve you.
Remember that your behaviour can come back to haunt you, particularly when legal proceedings and children are involved.
And please, don't draw your children into the conflict. Don't make them choose sides, carry messages or feel guilty for loving their other parent.
Here's a simple question to ask yourself whenever you're dealing with your former partner:
How would I want to be treated if I were in their position?
Then act accordingly.
That doesn't mean becoming a pushover. Set firm boundaries. Protect yourself and your children when necessary. But do it without becoming someone you no longer recognise.
Never allow someone else's behaviour to become your excuse for abandoning your own values.
3. Don't destroy your future trying to win the war.
Divorce can turn into a battle that takes on a life of its own.
You may feel the legal system is hopelessly unfair, that nobody is listening and that everything is stacked against you. Interestingly, people on both sides can feel exactly that way.
Be very discerning about the advice you receive.
Lawyers have an important role, particularly when rights and safety need protecting. But litigation is an adversarial process, and that can encourage conflict rather than resolution.
Before taking the next step, ask yourself whether it will genuinely improve the situation or simply keep the fight going.
Where it's appropriate and safe, seriously consider mediation. Look for solutions that allow everyone, especially the children, to move forward.
And if your children are caught in the middle, remember this: you cannot force them to understand your side today. Relationships can change over time. Keep showing up with love, consistency and integrity.
Sometimes you have to live to fight another day. That doesn't mean abandoning your children or giving up on what matters. It means refusing to destroy yourself in the process.
You can win a battle and still lose an enormous amount of your life. Choose your battles very carefully.
4. Enter your day before the day enters you.
This is one of the most valuable practices I can share with you.
When you're going through prolonged conflict, your nervous system can remain on high alert. You may find yourself constantly anticipating the next confrontation, the next demand, the next unpleasant surprise.
It is exhausting. And it can become your normal way of living.
Don't allow that to happen without doing something about it.
Every morning, before you reach for your phone or allow the day's problems to take over, spend a little time becoming quiet and centred.
Breathe. Feel your feet on the ground. Notice your body. Allow your thoughts to settle.
Find what I call your still point — that quiet awareness within you where you can notice your emotions without being ruled by them.
Return to it throughout the day, especially before difficult conversations, collecting the children, attending court or seeing your former partner.
Develop a personal practice that helps you feel grounded, emotionally and spiritually. Ask for guidance if you need it.
And when you lose your temper or have an emotional blowup, don't punish yourself for being human. Make amends where necessary, learn from it and return to your centre.
Listen to your body. Rest when you need to. Be kind to yourself.
If you're wondering how to begin, I've created a free seven-minute guided audio called The Sovereign Return. It's a simple way to step out of the noise, become quiet and reconnect with yourself. No preparation, no complicated techniques. Just seven minutes for you.
[Listen to The Sovereign Return — Free Seven-Minute Guided Audio]
The aim isn't to never lose your balance. It's to become better at finding it again.
5. Don't waste your pain.
This may be the hardest thing I have to say.
You're going to experience pain. Possibly more than you ever imagined you could endure.
You may feel betrayed, rejected, humiliated, frightened or desperately lonely. You may grieve the family life you thought you would have, or the years you feel you've lost.
All of that deserves to be acknowledged.
But what are you going to do with it?
You can carry your anger and resentment for years. You can keep replaying what happened, hoping somehow the past will change or that someone will finally acknowledge how badly you were hurt.
Or you can begin doing something much more difficult and worthwhile.
You can turn towards your pain, understand it and allow it to teach you something about yourself.
And there's another very good reason to do this work.
If you don't heal the wounds you're carrying from this relationship, there's a very real chance you'll take them into your next one.
You may find yourself expecting betrayal where there is none, struggling to trust someone who has given you no reason to doubt them, or reacting to an innocent remark as though you're still fighting the same old battle.
The person you're with now can end up paying the price for what happened with someone else. And without realising it, you may find yourself recreating the very patterns you thought you'd escaped.
Ending a relationship doesn't automatically mean you've healed from it.
This is where the deeper work begins.
When you become still enough to meet your pain without constantly fighting it or feeding it with stories, you begin to discover that the hurt you are experiencing is not the whole of who you are.
There is a deeper part of you that remains present, even in the middle of everything you're going through.
Learning to live from that awareness changes how you meet your pain, how you respond to others and how you begin rebuilding your life.
You may need support to do this. Get it. There is no prize for suffering alone.
You could spend another ten or twenty years avoiding the pain you're carrying. But why give it another decade of your life?
Let your pain become something you learn and grow from, rather than something that determines the rest of your life.
One last thing
There will be days when you get all of this wrong. Days when you're angry, frightened, overwhelmed or simply tired of trying to do the right thing.
That's okay. You're human.
What matters is that you keep returning to yourself, to that quieter place within you from which you can see more clearly and make better choices.
And remember, your children are watching how you live through this. They don't need you to be perfect. They need you to be someone they can trust, someone whose love doesn't depend on taking sides, someone who continues to show up.
Your relationship may have ended. Your plans may have fallen apart. Life may look nothing like you imagined it would.
But your life isn't over. And you don't have to spend the rest of it fighting a war that has already cost you enough.
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About Brian
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