The Stories We Tell Ourselves
Have you ever walked away from a conversation and found yourself replaying it for hours afterwards? Perhaps somebody said something that unsettled you, or their response wasn't quite what you expected. You begin wondering what they meant, why they said it, and whether something has changed between you.
Before long, you have an entire conversation going on in your head. Except the other person isn't there. You're having it all by yourself.
We all do this. And sometimes the story we create becomes far more troubling than the event that started it.
## What Happened, and What We Think Happened
Imagine sending someone a message and receiving no reply. A few hours pass, perhaps even a day. At first, you hardly notice. Then the questions begin.
Have I upset them? Are they avoiding me? Did I say something wrong?
Perhaps you remember something from your last conversation and begin examining it for clues. You become irritated, disappointed or anxious. You might even decide how you will respond when they eventually get back to you.
And then their message arrives. They have been dealing with something unexpected and haven't had an opportunity to reply.
All that worry. All those imagined conversations. All those feelings. And none of it had anything to do with what was actually happening.
Of course, there are times when our concerns turn out to be justified. People do disappoint us, relationships become difficult, and sometimes our instincts alert us to something important.
But there is a difference between noticing that something may be wrong and deciding that we already know what it is.
That difference is worth exploring.
The Stories We Have Carried for Years
Some stories stay with us far longer than a missed message or an uncomfortable conversation.
Perhaps somebody criticised you when you were young, and somewhere along the way you began believing that you were never quite good enough. Perhaps you experienced a betrayal and gradually came to believe that people couldn't be trusted.
Or perhaps life took an unexpected turn, something you worked hard to build fell apart, and you began telling yourself that you had failed.
Over time, these stories can become so familiar that we stop recognising them as stories. They begin to feel like facts about who we are.
And then something interesting happens. We start looking at new experiences through the eyes of old ones.
A small criticism confirms our belief that we're inadequate. Somebody's silence confirms that we aren't important. An unexpected setback becomes further evidence that things never work out for us.
The difficulty is that we may not even realise we're doing it.
We're simply living inside an explanation of life that we have carried for so long that it feels like the truth.
What If There Is Another Way of Seeing It?
I want to invite you to consider something.
What if some of the things you believe about yourself, about other people and about life are interpretations rather than facts?
I'm not suggesting that you dismiss difficult experiences or pretend that painful things haven't happened. Our experiences are real, and so are the feelings that accompany them.
But the meaning we give those experiences deserves a little attention.
Being rejected does not necessarily mean we are unworthy. Making a mistake does not make us a failure. Having a difficult relationship does not mean we are incapable of love.
These are conclusions we may have reached, often at times when we were hurt, frightened or simply trying to make sense of something.
And because we reached those conclusions once, we may have continued to believe them without ever questioning whether they are true today.
There is something wonderfully freeing about discovering that we can question a belief without denying the experience that gave rise to it.
Learning to See More Clearly
Last week, we explored the space between reaction and response. That brief moment when we can stop, take a breath and choose what happens next.
This week, I would like to take that a little further.
When something unsettles you, see whether you can notice the story beginning to form. You don't have to fight it or try to silence your thoughts. Just become curious about what is happening.
Ask yourself three simple questions:
What actually happened?
What am I telling myself it means?
What else might be true?
You may be surprised by what you discover.
Perhaps you realise that you have been assuming somebody else's intentions. Perhaps an old fear has found its way into an entirely new situation. Or perhaps you discover that you simply don't have enough information yet.
Sometimes your original interpretation will prove to be correct. This isn't about persuading yourself to see everything positively. It's about giving yourself the chance to see things clearly before deciding what they mean.
And from that clarity, you are better able to choose what to do.
Coming Back to Yourself
For me, this is an important part of living as a Sovereign Self.
We cannot always control what happens around us, what other people say or how life unfolds. But we can begin to take responsibility for the meaning we give those experiences.
We can notice when we're making assumptions. We can recognise when an old story is shaping a new experience. And we can become willing to question something we have believed for years.
There is no need to get this right every time. Some stories are deeply rooted, and some experiences need much more than a moment of reflection. We are learning, and learning takes time.
But every time we recognise the difference between what happened and the story we're telling ourselves about it, something changes.
We have a little more room to see clearly. A little more freedom to respond differently. And perhaps a little less need to carry yesterday's story into tomorrow.
This week, when you catch yourself caught up in a story about somebody, something that happened, or even yourself, try those three questions.
You don't have to find all the answers.
Simply begin by noticing the story.
You might discover that there is more to life, and more to you, than you have been telling yourself.
Experience Stepping Out of the Story
Recognising the stories we tell ourselves is one thing. Learning how to step out of them is another. This week's accompanying Sovereign Ceremony, Stepping Out of the Story, invites you to experience that difference for yourself.
Through a gentle, guided practice, you'll learn to pause, recognise the story your mind has created, and separate what actually happened from what you've decided it means.
It's a simple technique you can return to whenever your thoughts begin taking you somewhere you don't need to go.
I invite you to take a little time for yourself and experience Stepping Out of the Story.
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About Brian
Read more about the lived experience and journey from which this work emerged.
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